its official...

8:25 pm on 1/13/06... hahah i thought fri. 13th was supposed to b a bad day??? hHAHA

im so happy...

damn... iunno dis shh hella old.. buh w.e. ...

damn... iunno new years....

imm sopposed to make a resolution right aint it the "american tradition"?? i cant think of shh to do change for this comming up year... i jus want errythin to b back to normal..

im tired of being sick.
i want the life back.. where i ran around in circles till i got dizzy then fell over in laughter as the tree in my front yard kept spinning.. ahhah jumping in the leaves, hearing the crunching noise they made....

i wanna b accepted.
its hard, i always feel like i don't belong anywhere... erryone has their lil cliques n shh... n den their is.."ME" i go to parties, n i jus am there... poeple acknowlegde me... poeple like me... n like i am like iunno its like w.e. im happiest wit family. n wit Divina. n now wit this LADY in my life... Angie...

damn though iunno... in a way i wish i wasnt as loyal as i am, it would save a lot of pain. i mean i live my life not expecting anything from anyone, never asking much except for their friendship n love... i always am getting baq stabbed, n lied too.. buh as soon as they are breakin down in tears the first person to help them out is me. for example i went to a party... hella drama broke out... n every single person at that party had hurt me BADLY sumhow before... every one started crying, poeple were fighting... fainting... n erryone came to me, n i hugged them n talked them through errythin.. made dem feel good. n got them smiling.... i left. no one even noticed. i went home. i get yelled at. i go in my room. lookin through my fone boook.... no one called to see if i was okay... so i jus sat there... kinan crayz... buh den i keep smiling... like nothin happed... it hurts. it really hurts.

i wanna get out of this city wit the title "the family city" and i wanna leave. go sum where to start over... buhiunno i kno i cant run from dis issue of LIFE. 

society annoys me.

Its been a year today since your death... I still miss you... RIP Bang Mai

not liked 7-11-05

once more i throw away the key/ i wont let it control me/ My heart is locked up so tight/ it may not ever see the light/ I want to let it show again/ but da lock wont break or bend/ I know sumone who has the key/ but they dont even like me.

dey'll like me again someday/ hopefully soon this i pray/ its already hard to love/ harder lettin go of da dove/ So i built up my walls once more/ put a lock in da door/ i hold on with my might/ im giving a hard fight/ but dey still have the key/ n dey dont like me 

I asked if they would/ they said that they could/ This might take time/ my heart an open land mine/ Three words i want to hear/ Then the land mines will clear/ then my heart will open/ the lock will bend n be broken/ but they still have the key/ and they dont even like me

iight new topic.... iunno wat to caall it so ill name  itz.... asian prejudices and parent wishes

during track season dis guy kept callin me the average asian.... n it was DRIVING ME CRAZY cuz i aint average... so i asked him why he called me that.. h esaid ur like ALL asians... "get hella good grades.. be a really good girl and u goona bcum a doctor or a lawyer."

so wat if i dont?? wat if i got a 2.3 and i am not a good girl out side of skoo and i dont want to becum a doctor or a laywer??? does that make me below average??? just bcause im HALF asian??? non e of that ish tru buht i DONT want to bcum a doctor or a lawyer... let alone a PSYCHIATRIST of anysort..... yet th pressure is urgin me too... i would rather becum a singer... a producer... ANYTHING with music...i even thought about teachin music.... buh wen running this by da parents they hate the idea... HATE IT!!!.... they wont even let me get signed... dey refused ova 3 offers!!... n yet its my dreammmm n it hurts knowing dey wont support it... i got pulled outta band too cuz "it takes up too much time" wat an hour erry friday???? ... n i aint allowed to take any dance classes cuz it messes wit my grades... i had a 4.0 n she wouldnt let me still after tellin me she would after my grades were up.. i asked then n she said that she didnt want me too... so wat do i do??? i do good in skoo to pursue MY DREAM n its not wont allow it!! so i do okay in skoo n i become completly unhappy and stressed cuz im being forced to b sumething im not YET im supposed to b me... wth is that?? its hard enuff knowing that if she knew my secret.. dat id probally becum like rejected... knowing that she wouldnt accept me... so im ******** n i have been since i could remeber.. she  likes da FAKE *AVERAAGE ASIAN* me now buh if she found out just n only that part of the *below asian me* id b shunned even tho im still da same person that they knew bfore this...iuno most people can relate tho... the whole expectance thing.. n feeling like dey gon let erryone down if dey do wat they want... I HATE IT...

Ive had a lot on my mind lately.... n i figure the best way to get it all out was to stop writing about my life buht on issues i feel strongly about.... i dont mean to offend anyone with how i view things so imma title it n if u dont like wat its about den dont read wat i wrote. when i write dese i aint using names... it might not even have to do with me... if you have a problem with what i wrote about or mayb i didnt cover it from another pserspective like u felt i should have lemme kno or if u agree wit me let me kno.  I aint writein  to offend people, n i aint trash talkin cuz i aint usi n names or physical discriptions.....

my first topic is Discrimination..... and world peace

Many people now days wish for world peace saying that theyd do anything for world peace. yet dey b discriminating ALL THE TIME... like the blackeyed peas said, "if u only have love for ur own race than that only leaves room to discriminate n to discriminate only generates hate." i dont ONLY mean discrimination against other races.. This also includes prejudices. People claim to want world peace, yet dey are constantly talkin bad a bout someone. i work in the mall n i hear things like " you look white in that." or" your not black u cant weart that" or my manager said "watch the black people they steal cloths alot." yet they want world peace... that includes gay poeples too!!!! straight peopel say dis n dat, sayin its wrong blah blah blah saying the bible says its wrong,... buh lemme break out my bible... it says... "thou shall not hate" and that u should treat others how u want to b treated and that u shouldnt punish others for GOd himself will condemn them. yet by treating them differently they are going against his word too. so people want world peace yet are unwilling to accept others lifestyles, their ethnicity, and how they act. INstead the y just DISCRIMINATE.yet they want world peace.

HONESTLY THOUGH... i dont want world peace. might sound wierd buh think about it... world peace means no hate. or jealousy. if you think about it THAT is HUMAN NATURE. so basically inorder for no hate or jealousy EVERY ONE WOULD HAVE TO B THE SAME. theere could be no individuality there could b no difference in appearce either. I LOVE being me,.... my drama n everything that isJUST ALL ME... i hate it for the time being buh it helps me b who i am today.  WORLD peace... NEVER EVER will happen. people will always b jealous. always hate. the closest we can ever get to world peace is to stop being prejudice and discriminating.